Two months ago my daughter asked my husband, “Why do you talk to your phone more than you talk to me?” After a lengthy conversation that included my daughter asking my husband to throw out his phone the stage was set for a one week challenge.  It would cost him $0.50 every time he used his phone in her presence.  In the end, despite his best efforts, he owed her $9.50, and when he paid her she took him out and bought them both milkshakes.

We were so moved by the experience that we formalized the program, and the Hang Up & Hang Out challenge was born. During the week of January 24-28 in Steamboat Springs, Colorado we are partnering with local elementary schools to present our first official Hang Up & Hang Out challenge.

It’s not just a statement we are making, but a community wide action plan where kids, parents, teachers and administrators can show how little changes can make a big difference.  We feel confident that parents who embark on the week-long challenge to stay off their phones in the presence of their children are going to recognize many positive changes in their relationships with their kids, and there is no doubt that their kids will notice too!

To kick things off, I have met with the faculty in both schools to engage them in a discussion on students and teachers being more mindful in the classroom.  On January 11th, at 6:00 p.m.  I will be presenting  my “Creating Peaceful Homes” lecture to the parent body.  On January 21, we will have assemblies with the entire student bodies of both elementary schools alerting them of the challenge, and ways they can get involved.  Finally, on January 25^th, we will be hosting a Family Fun Night for all families in Steamboat Springs with loads of activities that promote healthy, engaged family relationships.

In your January newsletter I will be providing more information about Hang Up & Hang Out, including ways to bring this program to your community.  In the meantime, I wish you and yours a very peaceful holiday season, and a happy and healthy new year.

Winter is coming! If you’re anything like me you may not be thrilled about the chilly months that lie ahead, but those cold short days do have a few
advantages – especially longer nights!

We are about to change the clock back an hour and while some of us are a little saddened by the thought of eating dinner at 5:30 in the dark, this can be a great opportunity to help our kids start getting the kind of sleep they really need!

Studies show that the amount of sleep children get has a profound affect on their learning, attention, risk of obesity, and risk of depression. Most children in our country do not come close to getting the amount of sleep they need to process all of the information they are learning everyday.

When the clocks fall back we have an opportunity to bump their bedtimes up a little bit. Start on Sunday night by having them go to bed with respect to the time change. That is, if they usually go to bed at 9:00, have them go to bed at 8:00 (on the newly changed clock). Their body will feel like they are going to bed at the same time and they can potentially get an hour more sleep. From then on out, try to stick to that new, earlier bed time.

Of course this will take a little preparation on your part. It is going to get light earlier so you want to make sure their room stays as dark as possible in the morning. This will also mean that you need to bump your dinnertime up so that you can fit the entire bedtime routine in at a relaxed pace.

This may seem like more of a hassle than just giving them that extra hour on Sunday night to stick to their old bedtime, but the payoff is high. In a study of 4th grade students, children who received one hour more sleep performed two grade levels higher on tests of neurobiological functioning.

Eventually their bodies will adapt to the time change and you probably won’t be able to keep that full extra hour of earlier bedtime, but try to cling to getting them to bed at least 15 to 30 minutes earlier. Every little bit can help. Studies have shown that even 15 minutes of extra sleep can be the difference between an “A” and a “B” student.

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How much kids need according to the National Sleep Foundation

Infants – 9-12 hours at night plus 2-4 naps during the day (lasting 30
minutes to 2 hours)
Toddlers (1-3) – 12-14 hours in a 24 hour period
Preschoolers (3-5) 11-13 hours in a 24 hour period
School Age – 10-11 hours a night

Ahhh, Summer! Kids sleep a little later, we don’t have to rush out of the house first thing in the morning, and I love those long summer evenings. But alas, school is rearing its head, and so is the inevitable feeling of wondering how the heck I am ever going to get these kids back to a decent bedtime? After a lot of thought and research I present R.E.S.T. But don’t wait- start R.E.S.T. now while you still have some time before school begins (I have 8 days but who’s counting?).

The Perfect Bedtime Routine – R.E.S.T.

Routine
Empowerment
Snuggle Time
Teach Children to Relax

Routine – Create a healthy bedtime routine and use it consistently. Unpredictability can cause feelings of anxiety and the result is resistance. A healthy routine starts at dinner and can include playtime, bathtime, clean-up, snack, books, snuggle time and other soothing activities. Limit screen time, especially after dinner! Even “educational programs” can elicit a stress response in your child’s brain, making it more difficult for them to fall asleep easily.
Once a healthy routine is established it is easier to enter the routine in the middle whenever needed. For example, if you have dinner at a friend’s house and return home late you might have to jump into the routine in the final steps (snuggle time or reading time) which works fine when your children follow a routine most of the time.
Empowerment – When children begin to realize they are independent beings they develop a need for control. This is a normal part of development. By offering your children opportunities to take on a leadership role in a developmentally appropriate way you can satisfy their desires, build their self-esteem, and most importantly avoid a whole lot of power struggles. There are many opportunities to empower your children during their nightly bedtime routine.

1) Let your child help create the routine (with a little guidance of course). Lay out pictures of the elements  you would like to include in the routine (dinner, playtime, bath, brush teeth, books etc…) and let them create their own chart for nightly events, so that they feel in control. Ask them “What is next?” when it is time to transition from one activity to the next. My daughter loves to explain the chart to babysitters as well.

2) Give your child tons of choices. When you give your child choices offer them two options, both of which you will be satisfied with them choosing. For example, “Would you like to pick up the legos first or the train tracks? Would you like to have an apple or a banana for your snack?”…. and one of my favorites, “Would you like to go to bed now or in ten minutes?” Plan ahead. Ask them this question 15 minutes prior to their bedtime. You know what the answer will be, but again, giving them some control can go a long way towards preventing power struggles.

Snuggle Time- As each generation passes, the amount of engagement that children have with adults decreases. The result is that our children are relationally starved. Yet research shows that children who feel more connected to the adults in their lives make better choices. Put away the Blackberry and take time to engage with your child. This time can be spent reading books and discussing them, singing songs, telling stories, or simply snuggling. Taking time each night to connect with your child in this way will play a critical role in the choices they make, goals they achieve, and their relationships in general as they grow.
Teach Them to Relax- This is the key element that I find to be missing in many suggested bedtime routines. A great routine can make bedtime go smoother, but often it is not enough to actually help your little one fall asleep. In a Go Go Go world it is difficult for all of us to turn off our minds so we can relax and fall asleep—and your child is no different! Research has shown that learning effective relaxation skills can not only calm the ‘fight or flight’ response and help them sleep, but can increase stimulation in areas of the brain related to attention, memory, and learning.

Listening to the Smart Dreamzzz CDs at bedtime teaches children these skills in a developmentally appropriate way allowing children to learn how to relax their muscles and their minds so they can fall asleep easily. Your child will learn valuable relaxation skills that they can use anytime they need them, day or night.

I wish you lots of R.E.S.T.

Blenders and summertime go together.  No, I do not mean the frozen margarita on the deck at sunset.  I’m talking about how there are times in the summer when it seems that all the family normalcy that exists during a school year gets tossed right into a blender.  And often times, it’s not the “pulse” button that is hit, but rather the “crush” button. 

Take, for instance, the change in sibling relationships that sometimes occur when all of a sudden they are around each other for days at a time.  A seemingly constant flow of bickering, badgering and even biting can drive a parent to reach for the real blender!  So, I thought some of you might be interested in some additional tips to decrease your sibling wars during those dog days of summer, so the big family can continue to be the big happy family. Here are my top ten tips:

1)    Teamwork! Any chance you get, let your children be on the same team. For example; if you go bowling, instead of competing against each other tell the kids that if their combined score (now they get to practice math) is over xxx then the whole family gets to go out for dessert. You want them to root for each other rather than against each other as much as possible.

2)   Working together to solve a problem. Give your kids opportunities to solve problems together (ideally when they are not already about to kill each other). When my kids get the special treat of being able to watch a movie I tell them, “you can watch a movie, but you have to agree on which one.” The first time I did this it wasn’t easy, but lo and behold the desire to stare at a screen overcame the difficulties they were having learning to compromise. They know this is the deal now and have become quite proficient in their problem solving process!

3)   Diffuse! By acknowledging your children’s feelings you can diffuse strong emotions. Help them identify their feelings with words, “You are angry with your brother because he didn’t ask before taking the truck out of your hands.” Letting your children know that you understand their frustration can help strong emotions subside.

4)   Don’t compare! This is the #1 mistake most parents make. Comparing siblings intensifies anger, jealousy and thoughts of revenge. Instead of saying, “Why can’t you eat your vegetables like your brother?” simply comment on the behavior that displeases you, “I’m worried that you are going to be going to bed hungry tonight.” 

5)   Life isn’t fair! Give based on need not equality. Attempting to give equally to all the children all the time will only encourage comparisons, and someone will always feel cheated. Do yourself a favor and buy your child new shoes when they need new shoes, not because a sibling needed them.

6)   Never ask, “Who started it?” It is nearly impossible to figure out who really started a dispute and blaming one child typically results in a desire for revenge.  Again, simply comment on the behavior, “I see two sisters who are about to hurt each other.” (proceed to next step)

7)   Banish. “If you are going to fight, please do it in a place that I won’t hear it.” Fighting often settles quickly when they know you are not going to take sides.

8)   When fighting may be dangerous then Divide and Conquer. Describe the situation you see, “I see two sisters who are about to hurt each other, Jane you go to the office, Molly, you go to the kitchen.” Wait for a cooling off period and then guide them through a problem-solving process.

9)   If you need to discipline one of your children, do it privately.  This prevents the disciplined child from being harassed by their sibling for being “bad” or “stupid.” Be clear that everyone makes mistakes and can learn from their mistakes.

10) Family Night! Create a weekly time to do something enjoyable together as a family. Go for a walk, eat ice cream, play games together. Foster a sense of fun between siblings.

I hope some of those tips prove helpful.  Feel free to share some of your own experiences as well below.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I think the deck awaits me.

“It doesn’t come in a can” was a favorite saying of a friend of mine’s father. He was a golf pro, and when he said this he was referring to golf, most of the time. I have been thinking about this saying in reference to parenting a lot recently.

I think a lot of people parent out of instinct. They figure they will go with what their gut tells them to do. I take issue with this parenting style.

Back to the golf thing for a second. When I set up to hit a golf ball off the tee on a par 5 my instincts tell me to swing as hard as I possibly can and hit the living sh– out of the ball. If you know anything about golf, then you probably know how well that will turn out – slice, hook, or most likely whiff the ball altogether. To drive a ball down the middle of the fairway takes a smooth swing, a ton of practice, and most importantly a calm state of mind.

Back to parenting. When kids don’t listen our instincts tell us to speak louder, and louder, and louder. Here is the flaw with our instincts. When you yell at your kids you are disrupting healthy brain development. ~brain geek alert~ Throughout children’s development their brains undergo massive pruning – as much as 50% of the brain’s 200 billion neurons. Your yelling impacts which brain structures receive the bulk of that pruning.

When we yell at our children we activate structures in the limbic system that regulate “fight or flight” reactions. Repeated activation to these areas tells the brain that their environment is not safe, thus the interconnecting neurons in these areas must remain intact. Because pruning has to happen, neurons will be pruned from structures like the prefrontal cortex where higher cognitive functions (attention, planning, decision-making, critical thinking) tend to be regulated. In essence, when you follow your instinct and resign to yelling at your kids you are impairing their intellectual and emotional development. ~end brain geek part~ Figure out another way.

Back to golf. No amount of instinct, no matter how talented you may be, is going to win you a golf tournament. It takes practice, a lot of practice. It takes lessons from someone who knows how to play golf. And more than anything, it takes a calm state of mind. And parenting… you get the idea – it doesn’t come in a can.

Sadly, most people I know will spend more time and money on learning to play golf than learning to be a good parent. If you know someone like that (perhaps your husband or your wife) please encourage them to read a good parenting book, learn from a good parent, practice what will be the most important job they will ever have and remind them, it doesn’t come in a can.

Some of my favorite parenting books include: Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell, Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose by Jolene Roehlkepartain, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel, and Nurture Shock by Po Bronson. Please use the comment space below to share comments as well as your favorite parenting resources!

This blog is dedicated to T-Man. A great golfer and a fantastic parent!

This week Amber Johnson sparked quite the conversation when she asked parents their opinion on the topic of whether to send your child to kindergarten or wait a year when their birthday hovers just before the deadline. This is a question I get asked all of the time and a decision I had to make personally as a parent so I was quick to jump in on the conversation.

Parents need to think about why you might be considering holding your child back as an option? Has a teacher expressed a concern? Do you have a concern? If you have no concern than don’t let the scuttlebutt make you question your decision to send them to kindergarten when the calendar says they should go.  Now, for all of the folks out there that do have a concern about whether their child is ready, here is my unsolicited advice.

Do not send your child to kindergarten with the thought that if it doesn’t work out they can simply repeat kindergarten the next year. This is not a good option! The research is very clear that retention, at any age, has a significant negative impact on a child’s self-esteem and future success in school. Wait.

Do not confuse intelligence with academic readiness! I so often hear, “but he is so bright I am worried that he will be bored if we wait a year.”  It is a myth that kids will be bored. Kids who are happy are not bored in school and effective schools can find ways to keep all children stimulated. I would much rather have a happy child who has extra time for enrichment activities than an academically challenged child who hates school and does not want to go out for recess because they feel socially inadequate.

It is far more important for a child to feel socially and emotionally confident than for a child to feel academically challenged. Simply think about a time during your school career when you were on the outs socially. Regardless of how academically challenged you were at that time, it is pretty likely that you hated going to school and felt miserable while you were there. Kids who are developmentally younger tend to have more social struggles than peers who are more socially mature. In addition, these social stressors (clicks, bullying,etc.) are happening at an earlier age. In other words that social stuff that we dealt with in middle school commonly starts in 2nd grade and the kids who are often targeted are developmentally young.

Think long term. How will their developmental age affect them in middle school? Do you want your child to be first or last to drive a car?  There is a huge difference between sending a 17 year-old off to college and an 18 year-old. Throughout their adolescence they will be faced with a lot of tough choices and you want them to be equipped with as much maturity as possible when they are making high stakes decisions.

Last but definitely not least, I know that some voice concerns over the “academic redshirting” of children. In an ideal world we would have one standard cut off throughout states and districts. The problem is that until we as a country decide to put funding into educating the whole child, rather than just focusing on what the standardized tests are measuring, parents need to take their child’s social and emotional well being into their own hands. One of the first things cut from school programming is character education and bully-proofing programs. If some extra time can help a child have a happier, healthier, and safer academic experience, isn’t it worth the cost of one more year of preschool?

It will likely be cheaper than the cost of years of therapy. What do you think?

I know how it all got started.  We had the built in excuse of both parents working, rushing out of the house, and a need to occupy our oldest daughter.  This dates back a solid four years now.  I remember her perched up in our bed, TV on first thing in the morning, with the theme song to Clifford blaring.  At the same time, we rushed around the house getting our coffee fix, dressing for work, making lunches, preparing all of the daycare necessities, and my daughter stared at this enormously freaky red dog. 

When my second child was born, the morning routine only got more complicated, and again, we rushed, rushed, rushed.  The TV seemed like our savior—that beacon of hope that settled the kids down in the morning while we got ourselves and all the needed “stuff” together.  We created a habit, nothing more, and nothing less.  A habit that involved my children staring at the TV first thing in the morning at the start of every day.

As my kids got a little older, the TV continued in the morning, but some things started to change.  For one, they were no longer interested in the innocent PBS shows.   Secondly, a battle often ensued as to which child got to watch their show first, how loud it should be, and which episode to watch (thanks to Tivo).  While we were not in as much of a rush anymore to get out of our house, we still had stress—created by the battle between Curious George and ICarly. 

We finally ripped that Band-Aid right off.  We cut out the vice cold turkey.  My husband and I had talked about doing it, but we never really talked about how we were going to do it.  Then I travelled for a few days for work, and my husband told the kids, “no more TV before school.”  I wasn’t around, but he said the reaction was something akin to telling someone the person closest to them had died.  We had no idea how it would turn out, but we stuck to it.  

As expected, the first few days were pretty rough, but by the third day the word television was not even mentioned in the morning.   And once again, we find ourselves amazed at the resiliency and adaptability of kids.  So now, instead of our kids staring blankly at the screen in the morning, they are on the floor building train tracks or up on the counter doing cool experiments with food coloring and milk and soap.  The house is so much quieter, with the pollution of the TV replaced by the re-telling of dreams from the night before.  Laughter and smiles are everywhere.

For those who read me regularly, you know I am a self-described brain geek.  And there is a ton of research out there that suggests the detriments of TV watching, in any amount.  But I am staying away from the research on this post, and simply saying this:  For years, I thought my children enjoyed watching TV in the morning, and although they had grown accustomed to it, it took three days for the entire family to realize how much happier we ALL are with the TV off as we start our day together.  

Has anyone else tried to rid themselves of TV?  How has it gone?

      When I created SmartDreamzzz.com to provide sleep solutions for children and their parents one of the most interesting things that I kept coming across in my research was the link between lack of sleep and obesity. It is counterintuitive to think that a sedentary activity like getting more sleep would actually decrease a child’s risk of obesity, but lack of sleep disrupts at least 5 hormones that regulate appetite and burning of fat (grehlin, leptin, cortisol, insulin, and growth hormone). When kids are not getting good sleep, they are hungrier and their bodies produce more fat.

      Dr. Eve Van Cauter, at the University of Chicago, discovered a “neuroendocrine cascade” regarding this link.  First, lack of sleep leads to an increase in the production of ghrelin. Ghrelin is a hormone that is released in the stomach to signal hunger. Second, when kids don’t sleep enough their bodies produce less leptin, which signals to their brains that they are full. Finally, lack of sleep increases the production of cortisol which can signal the body to produce more fat. The result:  hungrier kids that eat too much and produce more fat.  In fact, for every hour of lost sleep a child’s risk of obesity goes up 80%.

      In the past, we have focused on nutrition and portion control. While these factors are also vitally important, the impact of a child’s sleep habits should not be ignored.  Additionally, most obesity prevention programs have been targeted towards school age kids, but recent research is indicating that this is too late for many children.  Dr. Leslie Lytle of Seattle Children’s Hospital has just pinpointed more evidence linking lack of sleep and obesity in teens.  But pivotal events early in life, such as sleep difficulties, can set young children on an obesity trajectory that is very difficult to alter. In fact, infants who receive less than 12 hours of sleep a day have twice the risk of obesity at age 3 as those who receive 12 hours of sleep. We need to start intervening earlier.

      As I’ve mentioned before, we expect children to naturally develop healthy sleep habits, but kids aren’t sleeping. The use of pharmaceutical sleep aids in children ages 8-18 rose 85% from 2000-2005. Children don’t exactly have great role models for sleep either. In 2009, the number of adults who suffer from insomnia rose 33%. We are living in a 24/7 world filled with constant stimulation that makes it difficult for all of us to get the sleep we need. Adults and children need tools. They need to learn how to relax, and similar to learning any skill, it is much easier to master when introduced at an early age. This is one of the reasons why the SmartDreamzzz CDs are designed to be developmentally appropriate and effective for very young children.

      The impacts of an hour less sleep are much greater than a grumpy kid!

I would like to think I have some semblance of control and order when it comes to this bedtime routine thing.  Sure, there was a time when I was losing my mind every time the words bedtime popped up in our house. But that was a long time ago, and since then I’ve learned a thing or two, and have even developed what I am proud to say are a few pretty cool products to help kids sleep.  I understand the way the brain works, and the triggers that excite it.  So here I am, patting myself on the back, when I decide to take the kids to my parents’ house for a few nights.  Can you say “CHAOS?”

If you can’t, my daughter can.  I wish I could refer to her at this point as my “darling” daughter, but she’s far from it.  In fact, when she was somewhere between a temper tantrum, an emotional breakdown and seemingly wired on whatever the 6 year old’s equivalent of crack is (gummy bears?), my dad happened to walk into the bedroom where I was ineffectively trying to get her to go to sleep.  I should back track at this point and say that while I was growing up I am pretty certain that my dad never, I repeat never, came into my room during the bedtime hour.  But alas, here he was at the height of the witching hour, walking in on me and my not-so-cute little one , the two of us actively engaged in a no-holds-barred match of stubbornness.  “Umm, Kristen, can I help you with anything?” he kindly, and timidly asks.  To which I choose from one of the following three responses:

a)      Yes, find two live chickens and sacrifice them so this demonic creature calms her ass down

b)      Just make sure that grandma did not drink all the wine ‘cause I’m gonna need some

c)      Grandpa, meet your granddaughter, Satan!

Somehow, I managed to go with the third choice, and with that, a big burst of laughter erupted from the two of us, leaving my daughter utterly confused.  “Did you just call me Susan?”

So here’s my lesson for the day: I threw my daughter’s bedtime routine in the washing machine: our day was hectic from the get-go, we ate dinner very late, and I didn’t have any of her favorite books.  Yet I assumed that when I said “bedtime” she’d say “you betcha.”  Huge mistake.  The reality is that as parents, when we throw a wrench into our kids’ lives, there are going to be some repercussions.  We’re not always certain how these repercussions are going to play out—they might be a tantrum at the dinner table or a rude comment to a younger sibling, but something very well might come that will prove to be wholly out of character.  While it is easy in these situations to get frustrated and even embarrassed if they are occurring in front of others  remember that the more stressed and wound up we get as parents, the more stressed our kids get as well. My advice, above all else, is to make certain you are well stocked with a decent sense of humor, because there’s a good chance Grandma drank the last of the wine.

As these days get longer (thank goodness, I hate the early darkness), it’s so easy to let dinner time wander later and later.  And what happens then are two things:

1) We start later, keep our normal bedtime routine and kids just get less sleep, or  

2) We cram the routine into a much shorter time, resulting in a frenzied final hour that leaves our children in a state of stress just before they try to fall asleep.  Either way, our kids, and we as parents, suffer.  So, with daylight savings having come and gone , we really need to focus on our dinner time as the start of all things sleep related. 

I’ll leave the menu to others for now and focus on the routine (but if you are interested in being reminded of the need for healthy eating, also check out The Delicious Truth’s Blog, and it all starts with dinner. 

For starters, with so many families juggling so many schedules, dinner time needs to be given sacred-cow treatment.  And if there are nights where you know you will not be getting the entire family together because of conflicts, it is imperative to make those other nights, when everyone is at home, a priority to have a relaxed dinner time. There are a litany of reasons why family dinners are critical to healthy development. I won’t touch on them all, but here are some highlights!

Dinner time also allows for the opportunity to empower your children with simple tasks.  Setting the table is an easy one (maybe you should hold off on your expensive china!) for a child as young as three years old.  Once everyone is seated, don’t just eat, but engage in conversation.  I’m a firm believer that the importance of conversation is an acquired skill—like many other things in life, kids who are engaged in something at an early age are more likely to become adept at that action. In our home, we love to highlight each others’ days, focusing on positive accomplishments for not just our kids, but for the adults also (big self -esteem builder).  We play games some times that involve all of us, or tell an old story like the day one of our kids were born.  And we stick to one rule—no one gets up unless they are excused.  We don’t engage in the food battles, but this one is vital to our family time.  Bode would love to disappear as early as possible and get back to his cars or his trains, and again, I don’t force him to eat, but encouraging him to stay at the table and engage in conversation almost always results in him taking a few more bites.

From the dinner table, the bedtime routine  begins to take shape.  We still might go for a family bike ride around the block, or throw some pitches in the yard to burn off a little more steam.  By no means do we simply head directly to bath and bed.  The key for us, though, is that the dinner time is kept to a normal schedule, and it triggers the shift from daytime to evening so our minds and bodies can begin to prepare for sleep.  Whatever extra activities we might engage in now come with a sense of calm attached to them.  So instead of pushing back dinner time as the summer nights begin to kick in, try keeping them early, and enjoying all the benefits after, including a peaceful night’s sleep.