“It doesn’t come in a can” was a favorite saying of a friend of mine’s father. He was a golf pro, and when he said this he was referring to golf, most of the time. I have been thinking about this saying in reference to parenting a lot recently.
I think a lot of people parent out of instinct. They figure they will go with what their gut tells them to do. I take issue with this parenting style.
Back to the golf thing for a second. When I set up to hit a golf ball off the tee on a par 5 my instincts tell me to swing as hard as I possibly can and hit the living sh– out of the ball. If you know anything about golf, then you probably know how well that will turn out – slice, hook, or most likely whiff the ball altogether. To drive a ball down the middle of the fairway takes a smooth swing, a ton of practice, and most importantly a calm state of mind.
Back to parenting. When kids don’t listen our instincts tell us to speak louder, and louder, and louder. Here is the flaw with our instincts. When you yell at your kids you are disrupting healthy brain development. ~brain geek alert~ Throughout children’s development their brains undergo massive pruning – as much as 50% of the brain’s 200 billion neurons. Your yelling impacts which brain structures receive the bulk of that pruning.
When we yell at our children we activate structures in the limbic system that regulate “fight or flight” reactions. Repeated activation to these areas tells the brain that their environment is not safe, thus the interconnecting neurons in these areas must remain intact. Because pruning has to happen, neurons will be pruned from structures like the prefrontal cortex where higher cognitive functions (attention, planning, decision-making, critical thinking) tend to be regulated. In essence, when you follow your instinct and resign to yelling at your kids you are impairing their intellectual and emotional development. ~end brain geek part~ Figure out another way.
Back to golf. No amount of instinct, no matter how talented you may be, is going to win you a golf tournament. It takes practice, a lot of practice. It takes lessons from someone who knows how to play golf. And more than anything, it takes a calm state of mind. And parenting… you get the idea – it doesn’t come in a can.
Sadly, most people I know will spend more time and money on learning to play golf than learning to be a good parent. If you know someone like that (perhaps your husband or your wife) please encourage them to read a good parenting book, learn from a good parent, practice what will be the most important job they will ever have and remind them, it doesn’t come in a can.
Some of my favorite parenting books include: Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell, Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose by Jolene Roehlkepartain, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel, and Nurture Shock by Po Bronson. Please use the comment space below to share comments as well as your favorite parenting resources!
This blog is dedicated to T-Man. A great golfer and a fantastic parent!
