Unequivocally, the most important job we have as parents is to help our children develop a positive self-esteem. Why is this such an important job? Because self-esteem is learned, and they learn it from their parents. If you are the type of person who makes negative comments about your appearance in front of your child, if you are a perfectionist, if your child never sees you admit to making mistakes (outloud), and if your child doesn’t hear you say positive things about yourself on a regular basis, then this article is for you! A child’s self-esteem will impact every decision they make, especially the big ones. Decisions like when to have sex, or whether they want to try drugs, and if they should get in the car with a driver who is drunk. This is the first topic we cover in my parenting classes, because it impacts every other aspect of our parenting.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem can be defined as the way we feel about ourselves. Children with high self-esteem are more likely to be seen as positive and capable while children with low self-esteem are more likely to have learning difficulties, substance abuse problems, and experience feelings of depression. Self-esteem is frequently linked to achievement, but we are not certain whether performance affects levels of self-esteem or levels of self-esteem impact performance. We do know that self-esteem is learned. How parents view themselves and view their children are the primary influences on how a child’s sense of self develops.
One of the exercises I have parents do during our lesson on self-esteem is to write on a note card five positive things about themselves. I give them two full minutes to write five things, most will not be able to think of five in that amount of time. However, if I asked them to write five things about themselves they would like to change they could come up with a list in seconds. For some reason most of us find it very difficult to talk about our strengths. Then there is my friend Kevin.
About a year ago Kevin and his wife took my class. I handed out the note cards to do this exercise. As usual, I gave the instructions and most of the parents gazed up at the ceiling, trying desperately to think of positive things to write on the card. About ten seconds in I noticed Kevin writing feverishly as he exclaimed, “I’m going to need another card!” Kevin had no problem thinking of five positive things, and then some to write on his card. You might think Kevin must be ridiculously arrogant, but that is not the case. Kevin could be one of the most liked people in my town. Friendly to everyone, a fierce competitor, amazing athlete (runs 100 mile races and excels in every sport he tries), and most importantly a loving husband and tremendous father.
There are many ways to build a child’s self-esteem. For this post, I am concentrating on just one. It happens to be the most important and the hardest. Don’t worry, the easier ones are coming soon. But, this should get you started.
1) Start with yourself. If you view yourself negatively, make negative comments about yourself, or display perfectionistic tendencies, your child will do the same. Children learn to view themselves positively when they have parents who view themselves positively. If they continually hear their mom say, “I look fat in these pants” they will think they never look good enough. It is a very difficult thing to do in our culture, but children need to hear their parents say positive things about themselves. When is the last time you said something positive about yourself in front of your child? Viewing yourself positively, OUTLOUD, is the best thing you can do for your child’s self-esteem.
Remember – It is easier to build a child’s self-esteem than to try to repair it!
